Memories and Anxiety

So, I had this magical idea where I would be able to post a new entry each day. That is never going to happen. Yes, there will be days where I will be able to write new entries consecutively; thus giving you a blow-by-blow account of my new and exciting adventures. Sadly, this day is not that day; or the next, and most likely the next as well. Instead of writing meaningless posts about the cute cat I saw today or the awesome bears I hope to see in my new school, I would rather take the time and write about the important stuff in my life. This will ultimately cause me to slim down the days I will be able to post new stuff. Thus, commences today’s post.

For all who don’t know me, I’d like to state that I am an anxious person. Like, really anxious. I like having control of my life, of the people around me (as impossible as it is) and of every little stimuli that floats near or into my life. This of course leads me to not enjoy life at its max; it causes me to over worry about real and imaginative aspects of my life. It causes me to stunt my relationship with my friends and it even forces me to stay at home (for fear that I may get stuck in an elevator and die. No joke). Nevertheless I have slowly forced myself to stop doing and thinking about all the things that will potentially ruin my life. Of course, it is important to state, that I don’t always have control over my anxiety or anything else for that matter.

It is this anxiety which leads me to want to speed the process of waiting, packing and planning for my trip. It makes me want to skip over all the ‘congratulations for graduating!’, the ‘I missed you, let’s meet up some time’, and my favorite the ‘I don’t feel like we’re friends anymore, let’s talk about it’. I hate every single minute of all these activities; not because I don’t care but because I can’t fully enjoy (or suffer) them. I am stuck in this place in time where all that matters is that I get on that damned metal bird and that I am whisked away to the magical Appalachian Mountains, where I can start my new life as a grad student with cool intellectual friends and hopefully see a bear.

This, inevitably, causes me to hate myself because I know that I am letting life pass me by and it’s no one’s fault but my own. I mean, it’s not like I can stop who I am, but it’s not like I cannot try to fix some things (am I right?). This desire to actually make my life happen and not just live from one anxiety attack to another is what leads me to push myself to do everything. I will probably have a graduation party; I will meet up with long estranged friends and most likely will have that talk with that not-so-close friend, all before I leave.

I am merely human (sorry to disappoint), and I know that I will have a limit. That one day, after I’ve been out for days on end, someone will call and I will have to turn them down. I will have to say to my significant other that I don’t want to see him because I just saw him two weeks in a row and need a break. And I will most likely tell my mother I don’t want to watch Hell’s Kitchen with her, even though we do it every Thursday. I am only human and there is so much I can do, but it’s these things that I didn’t do (though small and insignificant) that will haunt me. I mean, it’s not like I won’t be coming back to all these things, but once I’m away it will be what I miss the most. These small ‘trivial’ moments will be the things that carry me through hard and lonely times no matter where I go.

I don’t know if it’s clear or not, what I’m trying to say but think about it like a big lasagna (yes, get over it). You love lasagna (yes you do!), and no matter how many times it is served, you will eat it. However, there will come a time when you won’t want lasagna, so you skip it for one day. Yet, in a month’s time you find yourself starving yourself to make ends meet and you think back to that piece of lasagna you passed up. It won’t change your life in the moment you pass it up and it won’t fill you when think about it after months have passed; but you will still think about it and crave it. If you do eat it when it is served, then when you find yourself starving you will think about how much you liked it then.

It’s a crappy analogy, I know; but it’s the best way to describe it. Life is to be taken as it is and to the fullest (twss). Saying that you did not have time or that you were tired is no excuse (unless you’re dying). Making moments happen and living the moments that are handed to you are the memories that will last a lifetime; especially when all the people you shared it with are no longer by your side. So, stop worrying so much and stop trying to make life happen your way (sorry Sinatra, again); like it or not, life will happen.

Signing off,

TWS

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