Each day is a new anxiety trip for me. The realization that my trip is less than two weeks away creates within me a storm of emotions. I am happy because I’ll finally be able to start my new life. I am weary because I still have a lot to do. And I am sad because I’ll soon be leaving all of this behind for six months at a time. Hence, the topic of today’s (yesterday’s) post:
I have so little time and so much to do that I feel like I am not doing enough. I want to spend as much time with the people I love and enjoy that time that I create this never-ending feeling of anxiety which causes me to not fully appreciate my time with them; this by default makes me try harder to have fun which creates more anxiety. You see what I’m doing to myself? I am the downfall to my own empire. I want to make the most out these couple of days to the extent that I am willing to run myself ragged. I find the exhaustion to be necessary to be able to accomplish all these feats, but the anxiety is too much.
Trying to spend time with people now a day is a real hassle. People think that a text message, an email or a like on Facebook is enough. Yet, they forget the importance of verbal communication, the human touch and warmth. More than that, there are people who think that they can postpone real life until they have no more news feeds to scroll down and like. Life, is fast paced; it will happen whether you are actively participating or not. And this is something I am trying to do while I am still here in PR. I want to go to the beach, I want to go to the national forest (Yunque), I want to spend time with my cousins, laugh with my aunt, fight with my parents and love Mr. Grumpy. I want to do all these things while I can do them in my own flesh at close proximity. Nevertheless, it is this same desire to make these moments last and make each one memorable that pushes me away from the joy of just doing said actions.
It is not easy to step back and just tell yourself to have fun. It’s not easy to just let go of stress and anxiety when you want to make things happen right. And it’s not easy to realize that the right moment is what you make it, no matter the outcome. This is why I have decided to not worry; I know, easier said than done. Even when I tell myself not to worry I do, but I remind myself how important and wonderful it is to simply be with my loved ones and my worries melt away (or are stored away for a future freak out). The ability to sit by the ocean and talk to my boyfriend about future plans; to have peace of mind and laugh with my aunt about stupid things I did in my childhood, that is what life is all about. People may consider them ‘little things’ but are they really? Are all these little moments worth nothing once they have passed? Think about it and you’ll realize that they are worth more than all the money you will ever have. It is those moments when you laugh, when you sing, dance, play and even fight with the people you love that will stay forever with you.
It is for this reason that even when anxiety ensues and stress is relentless I think about those moments; I relive the moments I had and plan for the moments I will have. Spending as much time with the people I love is more important that worrying whether I packed the right things, whether or not my family and friends will be sad when I leave or how much I will cry when they are no longer near me. Spending time with my family and friends will give me the strength to continue with my chosen path. There is a limited amount of time in life and it is up to us to try to make all the things we want to happen. We must learn to juggle and balance our time with people, work and ourselves. It is up to us to decide whether to worry or to be happy. I have chosen to make the most of each day now, while I am here, and later, when I am gone. I have chosen to be happy even when I am anxious, even when there is stress, and even when the storm is raging outside. We are meant to take control of our lives and not let other things (negative things) control us. It is your day, your life; seize it and make it happen.
P.S. As an added bonus, here’s a picture of the beach I went to on Monday and Tuesday.