Moving to the Mountains in the middle of nowhere has been a refreshing change of pace for me. It has shown me that there is another side to my tropical wonderland. Even though this is only a small part of all the wonders I can see here at the states, it has proven to be the best. Here the breeze always blows, it is always below 80 F, and the people are so incredibly nice here. It is a nice way to start my new life. Nevertheless, with all good comes bad.
Me moving here, as sated before, has made me leave many people behind. And while I am here enjoying all these new experiences I can’t help but to think how the people I left behind are not here to enjoy it with me. I am not saying the life I left behind was horrible, but compared to what I have experienced so far, there is a considerable difference. Let’s take for example Mr. Grumpy: His dreams are to move away from his parent’s home, go to graduate school here in the states, and make a better living for himself. While I am doing just that he has still some time to go in that state of oppression, and at times depression, before he can enjoy the life he so hungers for.
It is these thoughts that make me self-conscious and ashamed of my happiness and wellness. I mean, I have had the blessing of finding a good university, getting a job and having people support my new life; whereas, Mr. G. has barely begun his journey to this kind of freedom and happiness. All I want for him is to be happy and to do whatever it is he needs to do; even if he can’t take me with him. And it is this gap between our states of mind and situation which weigh down on my enjoyment. Am I allowed to be happy even though he (and others) are not? Am I allowed to enjoy the fruits of my trip even though he (and others) are not here to do the same? I ask myself these questions everyday and I know that at some point you have felt the same. However, I can only give you the answer I have found up until this point.
Each accomplishment is realized with an amount of strength, wisdom and sacrifice. The people who are able to enjoy the fruit of their work are those who have actually worked for it. The full extent of satisfaction comes not only from reaching a goal but also by working for it. It means that once you have reached that finish line all those worries and strains just fade away. And that is what this moment is. This fight, this struggle, and this accomplishment are all mine. It has been up to me to pay grad school fees, take the GRE, the TOEFL, do paper work and jump through hoops of fire to be able to get here. Yes, there are people who helped me through this process, and their help was appreciated; but they are just a step on your way up. It is only those who have reached the end with you (and fought for it) who have the right to enjoy this accomplishment. I’m not saying I would rather be happy while Mr. G is sad. I am saying that this was my battle and subsequently my win. He was there to support me and I am grateful to him, but I have the right to enjoy all the wonders I have come across since I got here.
My desire to share my happiness with him comes not from guilt of going away or the difference of our situations, but from my love for him. I wish to make him happy as I am happy. I wish to share this grandeur with him as I have come to know it. Nevertheless, he is his own person and he will fight battles on his own. He will make decisions that will not include me and he will grow without me. And all of this is fine. It is my duty as his fiancée and friend to support him in all that he does as long as it makes him happy even if it does not make me happy; just as he has done for me. To be able to grow into a better relationship we need to grow as individuals and not necessarily together.
Reader, should you be happy about accomplishing something or going to a new place even though your loved one or friend is not with you? Yes. It was your battle and you overcame it. You have the right to enjoy the fruit of your hard work. And that loved one or friend, if they really do love you, they will be happy for you. They will support your decisions, your fights and your wins. There is only so much you can do for others and there is so much they can do for you.
Signing off, TWS