Into the Pot: Doubt and Fear

Since the start of this blog I have been talking about how this trip was the start of my life. I claimed that I was doing the right thing and that I really wanted to do this. Now that I am finally alone, no family, no pets and no fiancé, I am starting to have some doubts.

I assure myself, and so does my mother, that I have come here for a reason. That this trip is not in vain and that if I am here it is because I am on the right track to my life’s goal. Nevertheless, as the sun sets, nights grow long and cold I begin to wonder if this is really what I want. Alone without a friend, without love and companionship I find myself asking (more times than not) why am I here. The answers which fueled my desire to come here at the start of this whole process no longer make sense. The idea of getting a degree, making my life happen and finally growing out of my shell do not seem to please me as they did.

As the sun sets, as this is the key point of the day where fear strikes, I find myself looking at my too big apartment. I sit in front of my computer hours on end searching for something to take my mind off the fear and doubt that has been growing in me. Of course, it is important to state that throughout the day I am virtually not alone; I am constantly texting, chatting or calling my fiancé (my rock), my cousin (my almost-daughter) and some family member. However, this does not seem to appease the monster that has started gnawing at my insides.

Even though these intangible forms of communication are ever-present there is still a hole in my life. This hole is filled with the lack of physical contact with those I love. It is filled with the idea that I will not see, in person, any of these people for a long time. And it may seem like a small thing to get used to but when something becomes habit it is hard to let go. In the moments of nightly delusion I believe that my fiancé will drive up to see me so we can go see a movie. Or I believe that my parents will come to get me so I can spend my weekend back home. All of these things are impossible since physical contact with them is delayed by a 10 hour trip and drive to my new apartment.

All these delusions, these longings and realizations make me wonder why I am here. Back home I had everything: a family that loves me, pets that miss me, a man who can make my day by just smiling and the comfort and safety of a home. Here I have the masquerade or the fledging of what a home is, some financial stability and a slow-speed internet that can connect me to all that which I left behind.

I have no real security of what will happen when classes start or when I actually make friends (if). All I have is the echo of my conviction and the wise words of my mother.  The only thing I am sure as of now is that all my words, all my posts could never have prepared me for this, and that this is only the beginning of a whole new world of doubt and fear where my options are to go home and quit or put on my big girl panties and keep on truckin’. Reader, I am not too keen on quitting or too perceptive of when it is safe or sound to walk away. However, I do know how much I have placed on this whole trip and all the sacrifices my loved ones have made. Yes, the struggle is present and real but this is only the beginning of a world of possibilities.

Signing off, TWS

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